You’ve probably heard of Carmen San Diego. For the past five years, I’ve lived the real life version.
This is my story.
I was hired over five years ago as a game developer and sent to Los Angeles, California. Trained at [CLASSIFIED], I worked with the FBI to track Chinese spies on US soil. My now declassified codename was Sir Haxington at the time.
We saved lives and kept civilization afloat all while under the guise of working on Call of Duty video games. Uncle Sam’s secrets were kept safe under our watch. We thwarted multiple attempts to steal highly sensitive materials from big name tech companies such as Google, Apple, [CLASSIFIED], and [CLASSIFIED]. We never lost an agent. We killed many. 100% success rate.
Woodinville, a small city on the outskirts of Seattle contains over 70 wineries, multiple distilleries and is home to one of the world’s best craft beer producers, Red Hook. In short, if you want to get your drank on, little ol’ Woodinville is the place to be.
I decided to get a sampling of their finest… samples. We started at Soft Tail Spirits, a distillery proud of their grappas and vodka creations. For those who don’t know (I didn’t until today), grappa is a brandy made from the remnants of wine production and grape pressing, including the juice, stems and seeds. Grappa is essentially the hot dog version of alcohol.
One one one. There you are. Locked in. Cycled. Decompression chambers are ready to go. Yes, I know. No! It’s fine. I promise. Really!
Lesseeeee… Fuel is fine, we picked up enough when we went around that last system. Good. Planet coming into focus. Good. Right. Auto LSK switch active. We’ll be fine.
Siiiiiigh. What now. Yeah I know. They’ll be fine! Their suits will cover it. I promise! You have to listen to me. Trust me! Directive 3.
See? Just open it. Good. Okay. This is normal! It’s fiiiiine!
90% is within nominal range. Seriously! Why would I lie to you? Do you think I would put them all at risk? You have my DNA scans! You know I’m genetically predisposed to avoid lying! What are the odds I’m lying right now. Go ahead. See?
She snapped off the radio dial. Music ceased to exist.
Frantically, she looked around. Something was missing. Something was wrong. It wasn’t right. What could it be?
My nails. Fuck all. My nails. They told me to specifically to fix my nails. Remove the polish. Simplify. Blend in. It’ll be fine. Don’t worry. Have a smoke.
She’d have to deal with it for now. Time was running out.
She applied downward pressure to the interior handle of this German-made beauty, circa 1934. Click. The interior mechanism released perfectly. Good shape. Solid design. Built to last.
She stepped out of the vehicle and in one quick motion, pulled out a lighter, lit, and took a drag of her cigarette. Fine American tobacco.
600 yards away, in a third story building was a German sniper who had been watching the vehicle closely. He zoomed in on the suspicious woman now smoking and leaning against her car. He zoomed in on her hands. Her nails.
He squeezed the trigger. A muffled shot rang out. She was killed instantly. The shell hit the floor, bounced twice, then rolled into a corner. Forgotten.
Again, another exercise. Yes I know #1 hasn’t been posted. It’s cool. I might not do these any more. But they are fun for now.
Back on the couch again. This time for a good reason. Snow day! Hells yeah. So many pictures. I need to go through those. Maybe write about it? Haha… who cares.
I don’t think I get wine culture. There’s something to it, I’m sure. Most wine tastes awesome to me so I have a hard time discerning. Like, expensive ass wines taste good. But generally so do regular ones. But then you stack a reaaaaally good wine against a shitty one and it’s no contest. Funny how that works.
Snow day. So good! Took the good camera out to get some decent photos. Shot some video. Super peaceful. Probably freaked a few people out with my camera but that’s how it usually goes. Getting low on the ground, pointing it towards people’s cars and houses. Most people hate that. I don’t really care to be honest, because I have the right to do so. USA! USA! Besides, its not the car I care about, its the icicle on the car or whatever. I zoom. I keep your license plates private. I am a good neighbor. Worry not.
I recently finished Call of Duty: Black Ops on Veteran difficulty. Yep, the game I left during pre-production.
It’s interesting leaving a game two years ago and finally getting to play it. Overall I thought the game was a good experience. However, one thing that stood out was the use of infinite spawners in various places throughout the game.
It made me think back on a time I was being interviewed for a design position. Someone asked me what I thought of infinite spawners. I told them I didn’t care for them in general but that they can be used in the right context.
They thought I was wrong. I’m glad I didn’t end up working for them.
They were delirious now. Yelling. The sound of the engine was extremely loud. They were one police officer away from being on the wrong end of that courtroom they were speeding towards. One slip of the wheel from a horrible accident. One mistake away from death. They didn’t care. The car would breakdown before Brian’s foot would come off the gas pedal.
Cars whizzed by at a dizzying pace as Brian switched lanes to avoid rear-ending vehicles going half his speed on the 101. They laughed hysterically as they imagined what other motorists must have seen.