2nd Annual Official Tree Cutting Exploration-Expedition Adventure, Extraordinaire (Weekend Edition), Part 5.

December 9, 2010 9:05 pm Sir Haxington Seattle

So we had our trees. Life was good.

But I hadn’t documented any Weekend Warrior cases.

I began to reconcile my loss. You know, maybe it was better this way. We’d get home around 3-4, get some dinner, get the tree up. I should be more happy about this.

The mood in The Element was lifted compared to driving up. Let’s be honest. Everyone was on edge going up the mountain. And it’s a long trip. People get hungry. They have to go the bathroom. Getting there is scary. It’s stressful and nerve wracking. It’s dangerous.

But now we get to drive by all the other mountain goers with a trophy on our vehicle. And the only thing left to do is is make it home.

The first 1/4 of the trip back down the mountain was smooth. We were all talking about the interesting people we met, the fantastic view, the experience that we just conquered.

Then it happened. And we had the best seat in the house.

Only the finest Weekend Warriors the state of Washington had to offer began to spring fourth from the mountain at a dizzying pace. Exhibit A:

As you can see, he didn’t have chains on and somehow made it up pretty far. Our guess was he just slid, bumped, and forced his way up that far. Classy. But when he saw a convoy of trucks, led by The Element coming down the mountain, he had no choice. There’s no room to go around. The only option for him was to go backwards.

To be fair, the driver at least knew how to use reverse. Which he did for easily over a mile in those conditions. This guy wasn’t too bad compared to what we’ll see shortly. Eventually the Chevy backed into a small turn out and allowed us all to go by. At least he didn’t hold us up.

Then we got to the half way point going down. This is when things got bad. Or really good depending on how you look at them.

I couldn’t have asked for a better Weekend Warrior situation. Let me try to explain what is going on here.

So, it starts with two burly Fords trying to make their way up the mountain. Neither has chains, but they sure have a tow strap. Because traction doesn’t matter, raw power does, right? Anyway, so the lead truck is fine, but the second truck gets stuck. So hey, I know! Let’s tow each other up the mountain! What could possibly go wrong? Well, everything. They hold up an entire line of 4x4s coming down. There’s no room to go around- the road physically isn’t wide enough. It’s science! So now we wait. And they can’t go up, because we’re coming down. So they only have one choice as far as the next five vehicles are concerned.

But then Old Man McMountain makes another appearance! God bless his heart, adding an extra 150-200 pounds to the hood of the burly truck to try to give it some traction. This looks absolutely hilarious and you can’t deny it. I mean…. come. On.

At least he’s trying.

Oh, but yes Ford, go around. No, don’t just dig out your buddy as both you guys back down slowly and orderly. No, too easy. Yes, go around. Yes. Please drive right into the ditch, blocking the road even worse.

So now the guy helping out before is stuck worse than his buddy was. The situation has gone from bad to worse. Our 10 minute wait is now creeping to easily over a half hour.

Eventually, they get unstuck. Oh, Sir Haxington, how did they ever get out of this mess?

Pit Boss and I got out of The Element and finally pushed them out with our bare hands, that’s how.

Then they make it the few hundred feet back to the major turnout where they should have stopped and enjoyed their day hours ago.

Back in The Element, we start to move again.

Wait, what’s this? Why has the long line of trucks stopped up ahead?

Fuck this, I’m getting out and scouting ahead. I want to eat. I want beer.

I heard through the grapevine coming up the mountain that there was a Hummer stuck down below. Couldn’t be. Hummers don’t get stuck.

Along the way, people are out having fun while waiting, as usual. A family has found a nice, big, full tree and was trying to pull it down from the forest with a rope. They had gotten the tree stuck along the way.

Dun dun duuuun! Let’s help them out! Heave… hooooo!

See how happy they looked? That’s what it’s all about. Helping people out who are just having a good time and not causing everyone else problems. Good Samaritan achievement unlocked.

Now that we’re feeling good about ourselves, lets see what all the ruckus is about down below. Ohhhh! Yes! More! No, it’s not a Hummer. It’s an H3! Stuck in a ditch and blocking the road, and some guy pulling him out. Awesome!

I feel bad for this guy. His ultra pretty girlfriend is sitting the passenger seat looking shell-shocked. Again, he made it up really far. Again, it’s a guy without chains. A big, lifted H3 with fat knobby tires. False confidence, hooooooo!

Luckily some people are trying to help him out. Unluckily, they don’t know what they’re doing. What you just saw was actually really bad, as they pushed him deeper into a snowbank and further into the ditch.

And Old Man McMountain is there again, on the scene! He’s everywhere at once! Amazing. I think he might be a mountain ghost or something.

See? Enough of us told them about the dire situation he was in, and finally they tried backing him out. Those sticks? We put those there. Why? He needs traction. We’ve done this before. We know what we’re doing. If anything, they needed more wood and sticks and basically anything NOT ICE OR SNOW jammed in there. So what do they do? Rip the sticks out and dig bigger holes. Good show. Finally he got stuck even more but at least there’s enough room for us to squeeze by. Peace guys, good luck with that one.

Ahhh. Weekend Warriors. My dreams had come true. At least two perfect specimens, documented. For science.

Going down was smooth sailing and uneventful after the H3. We bumped the new Peas, Kanye and Dr. Dre. Everyone felt good. The sun was going down casting some great light across the mountains.

We made it to the bottom if the icy mountain, took the chains off, checked to make sure the trees were secure, then hit the I-90, westbound. It was around 5 pm.

9 to 5. All in a days work. Now to go celebrate.

…

The end is neigh.