[DECLASSIFIED] FANG YU – OPERATION EAR MUFFS

November 30, 2010 3:39 pm Sir Haxington Seattle, Stories

[LEVEL 4 DECLASSIFIED]

[DO NOT POST PUBLICLY]

You’ve probably heard of Carmen San Diego. For the past five years, I’ve lived the real life version.

This is my story.

I was hired over five years ago as a game developer and sent to Los Angeles, California. Trained at [CLASSIFIED], I worked with the FBI to track Chinese spies on US soil. My now declassified codename was Sir Haxington at the time.

We saved lives and kept civilization afloat all while under the guise of working on Call of Duty video games. Uncle Sam’s secrets were kept safe under our watch. We thwarted multiple attempts to steal highly sensitive materials from big name tech companies such as Google, Apple, [CLASSIFIED], and [CLASSIFIED]. We never lost an agent. We killed many. 100% success rate.

Fast forward to two years ago. I got a call from the Seattle branch. A day that would change my life forever.

Seattle tech companies had recently been infiltrated by the nefarious ‘Panda Hat’ gang, a well known and ancient crime family that is headquartered on the Kowloon peninsula. Seattle wanted only the best to root them out. Besides myself, operatives Lady Hawk, Sticks, Pit Boss and Dublin were sent to Seattle as a domestic counter terrorist cell. If we died on mission, there would be no funeral. We didn’t exist.

Now, the Panda Hat gang has had a foothold in the Puget sound area for decades. Recently though, tech companies had been getting hit hard. Of course, there was the light stuff. The senator who had been sending suggestive text messages to his mistress that we had to recover and protect. Recovering stolen documents with the location of the Presidential travel routes. The usual. However, as you know [CLASSIFIED] is a large aerospace company and protecting their assets and interests was a priority 0 national security measure for our cell.

Unfortunately, prototypes of the [CLASSIFIED] project were found in a Taiwanese warehouse, photographed by UAV. Schematics of [CLASSIFIED] wound up on a honeypot we had set up in Tehran. They could have only come from one place in Seattle. We later found out that it was all the work of one extremely cunning and dangerous double agent.

Fang Yu. French-born Chinese nationalist and Third Order Lieutenant of the Panda Hat crime family. AKA ShortSkirts.

Within only a few months, Skirts had killed over 15 of our best operatives, singlehandedly. Four of them she killed during a ‘shootout’ in the Seattle Underground. I only call it a shootout because our agents had firearms. She did not.

In that same time frame, Skirts had also managed to steal some of our nations best kept secrets and nearly brought the country into two nuclear wars. Only from the bloodshed of a few forgotten heroes was the public never able to find out about the events that nearly made the US a slave state to China more than once.

We were sent to Seattle. Settling in was easy. I started at Microsoft where Skirts managed to do the lion share of her damage. Our other operatives worked for various other Seattle based companies including [CLASSIFIED], REI, and [CLASSIFIED]. We set up shop.

Skirts and I worked in the same building for years. I ended up building a friendly repertoire with her so that one day, I would have to do what my country asks of me.

For years I thwarted some of her plans, but I had to let good people die as not to blow my cover. It’s not something I’m proud of, but I did it for the right reasons. I still believe that today.

Lady Hawk set up in the attic of cupcake bakery where Skirts was rumored to have been headquartered – the Capitol Hill district in downtown Seattle. After over a year of laying the perfect set-up for Skirts, Lady Hawk had to move her HQ for [CLASSIFIED] reasons. Which meant our plans were put off at least another few months. That meant more people would die by Fang’s hand. The country would still be at risk.

In a private meeting I forced onto the President, I was given the ‘All Green’ to make direct contact with ShortSkirts. Too many had suffered and too many lives were at stake. It was now or never. It was that day that Operation Ear Muffs became a reality.

I began by seeding the fact I would be in the area on the [CLASSIFIED] of November. I received a direct, but non-committal notification from Skirts that she might be interested in seeing the sights of the city that day. The trap had been laid and she had taken the bait.

I promptly called Four Fingered Frankie and set up a weapons meeting with him that same day. I needed something with a bang. A big bang. He had a old Vietnam era frag grenade that looked stripped down, but had been lined with C4. This was my backup plan in case I had to sacrifice myself during the operation. I am always willing to die for my country.

Frankie and I practiced our acting, and I told him the date of the operation. And to be ready.

With my thick coat hiding my bullet proof vest and a .44 strapped to my chest I walked out of the door of my house. Lady Hawk drove our bullet proofed and armored Prius (the best way to blend in to Seattle). She dropped me off and waited at HQ on comms. She set up a direct link with Pit Boss and Dublin who were on stand-by in West Seattle. Sticks was set to meet and assist me on the ground.

The ‘All Stop’ term we had established earlier was ‘Ear Muffs’, hence, the operation name.

Bad news from Lady Hawk. Sticks had been wounded in a firefight earlier that morning. While she was alive and in stable condition, I knew I would be without a good soldier for some time. We had seen and been through a lot together. Sticks was a tough girl and I knew she’d made it though. Unfortunately, that meant I was on my own for Operation Ear Muffs. A scary prospect.

But I was fearless.

I received a standard public text from ShortSkirts in the afternoon. She wouldn’t be coming, at least not immediately. My gut instinct was that she was onto us. I wandered the neighborhood for a bit and set up direct up-link cams so Lady Hawk could have more eyes. I set up remote detonation devices along possible escape routes. I went to Elliot Bay Books and flipped through Andy Goldsworthy art books for a few hours. Killing time, before time killed us all.

Nerves. Taking too long. I decided to call for support from Pit Boss and Dublin. I needed boots on the ground in case this went south. We needed to draw her into the open.

Pit Boss and Dublin arrived in good time. We went to the [CLASSIFIED] Brewery for lunch and blended in. And waited.

And waited.

Buzz.

ShortSkirts had reached out. She was ready to tour the neighborhood and to meet some friends of a fellow co-worker.

We had other plans.

We sent her multiple misdirections to throw her off the trail. A few clothing stores we never went into. Eventually, we saw her cross the street, opposite of us.

She appeared unarmed and potentially lightly armored. However, Lady Hawk saw something in one of the cams I had set up earlier that day. A Code Yellow. I called a stand-down on the Laser Boeing for the time being. We had to figure out if we were in any immediate danger. Skirts was not someone to be taken lightly. We had to exercise every precautionary measure available to us.

She made her way to our party. We exchanged our fake names and jobs and proceeded down Broadway. We entered into a small, cramped antique store. Dublin and Pit Boss bought some random flatware items to distract Skirts, but she paid no attention. I saw the Code Yellow Skirts had hidden in her calf-length boot. A .38 special, no doubt about it. Classy.

I reached my sleeve up to my ear casually while Skirts and I made small talk. I pretended to listen to her while her eyes weren’t on me. The tiny, stuffy store was the perfect cover for contact with Lady Hawk.

It was then I made peace with God.

Lady Hawk, with a slight crack in her voice, told me we were going with the Frankie solution. C4. Self sacrifice. I, and undoubtedly Pit Boss and Dublin and even Frankie would be killed that day. They didn’t know it yet as they were relying on me to communicate to them via hand signals and facial gestures.

We left the antique store and headed down Broadway. With a heavy heart, we entered Four Fingered Frankie’s. I bee-lined immediately to the antique grenade by the register case. Frankie and I bartered on price exactly how we had practiced earlier that week. I handed over $25, took the C4 lined grenade and stuffed it in my pocket. The two other operatives now knew what we were doing here. They remained near the front of the store and blocked the exit. Skirts had no clue.

My chest began beating loudly. This was it. Right here in the store. This is where it all ends.

I reached my hand up one more time to hear Lady Hawk before pulling the pin.

“Ear Muffs. Ear Muffs.” All Stop.

I threw the term into casual conversation. Pit Boss and Dublin knew what it meant and played along. They immediately proceeded out the door and we continued down Broadway.

Why were we ordered to stand down? We were ready. We should have taken the chance. The answer, of course was because [CLASSIFIED PRIOP 0].

We were rattled. Not sure where to go next. Quick on my feet, I decided to make our cover story now about searching for actual ear muffs. Flexible. Adapting. I had bought us precious time to regroup.

Unfortunately, but knowingly, we headed towards Skirts’ base of operations. It made us extremely nervous. We ducked into a shabby sheik themed boutique shop named [CLASSIFIED] and held out for as long as we could. No updates from Lady Hawk.

Back on the street. Further into her territory we went. I stuffed the grenade into a paper sack earlier, making pulling the pin extremely conspicuous. Things were going downhill quickly. I was ready to do it right then and there.

ShortSkirts had been texting with an unknown, making us all very nervous. She claimed she was in communication with a few of her friends she had to drive around later that day, but we knew better. She had also told us there was a party she had to attend later that night, but was not necessarily committed to it. Lady Hawk luckily had tapped into her data network which was left unencoded and began transcribing her communications. It was then we realized it was us who was in a trap, not her.

On the street, another agent, dressed as a recruiter from the ALCU, made direct contact with me thanking me for my donation. Coded confirmation that were indeed in grave danger.

She knew exactly who we were and what we were up to. Skirts was calling in a hit squad, cutting off Broadway five blocks in either direction.

I had to play dumb. None of us could be left alone with her or we’d be dead. At one point, she almost trapped me in the basement of an American Apparel. I barely managed to escape before I had been cornered and cut off  from the other operatives. My life flashed before my eyes.

We all played dumb. I tried on various animal hats at numerous shops. Again, at one point at an Urban Outfitter, Skirts played with a finger puppet. I watched closely as she made a joke, which I found out later was her signal to move her rooftop snipers across the street to fire on our position. Luckily, Pit Boss caught this maneuver in time. Her snipers were counter-sniped from a nearby construction site.

I had to play along. The entire operation was riding on this. I eventually bought real ear muffs as part of our cover story. All the while, just under the surface, we all just waiting for the right time to strike.

We headed back down Broadway. Something was wrong. ShortSkirts seemed in a bit of a hurry. Maybe because we had just taken down her sniper.  She seemed a bit rattled. She blamed the cold. We’re weren’t the new kids on the block. We had been doing this for a while. I decided to take the group into one more store. A store where I learned Fang Yu is either crazy, or has a sick sense of humor.

The store contained a mix of risque and edgy apparel. Right in the middle of the store? Panda hats.

Skirts immediately gravitated towards them and began trying them on. I played the clown, but I could not help but think of her boldness. We all obviously knew what was going on. Pit Boss could have pulled out his concealed .22 and ended it there. Dublin could have used Brazilian jujitsu. Fang probably could have killed us all if she had really wanted to. But no, here were were, the most powerful and effective soldiers in the world, trying on various animal hats. Panda hats, no less. With one of the most notorious members of the Panda Hat crime family.

Maybe it was her signal? Maybe she was tipping her hand? A cry for help? Perhaps she was just toying with our minds. Maybe she was just buying time for herself by being so blatant? Slapping us in the face with her hubris?

I checked in with Lady Hawk. “Ear Muffs ALL!”

The op had been called off. It was over. We had to escape.

The good news was Skirts’ forces had been displaced as well. She too, had to escape. We both had to withdraw and we could all make it out alive. I would have rather no one made it out at all.

We proceeded back down Broadway and engaged in small talk. Skirts reverted to her story about a previous engagement she had to go to. Something about vegan Thanksgiving. The story was borderline unbelievable. We expected better from such a notorious spy.

We quickly said our goodbyes and parted ways. We allowed her to walk away.

Fang Yu hasn’t been seen since.

I have been placed under the witness protection program, section 3 [CLASSIFIED]. No one can get to me. At least, that’s what I thought.

A few days ago, ShortSkirts contacted me through a remote up-link, piped through a Siberian jail IP, most likely spoofed.

“Did she enjoy the ear muffs?”

Toying with me. A true killer, but I will not be her prey.

ShortSkirts is everywhere and no where, all at once. If you ever come in contact with her, know it will most likely be your last day on Earth.

I should have sacrificed myself that day, and if I had to do it again, I would have pulled that pin when I had the chance.

I won’t make that mistake again.

For the record, you may ask why I have come fourth. The answer? My nemesis has posted falsities to further our decent into the abyss. Don’t believe her lies.