Deodow

November 23, 2010 9:44 pm Sir Haxington Stories

Note, I know 5 * 7 != 30. It’s intentional. Absent kids and all that!

…

Math class. 7th grade. Mr. Klein was demonstrating algebra problems on the chalkboard, mainly ignoring the class.

Henry was trying to get his attention in the middle of the lecture. What we he saying?

“Hey… pssst… deodoooowww.”

Deo-dow? What was that? What was he asking for?

Henry began snickering.

“Deeeeeeeeeeel. Deow!”

Oh God, he has that half smirk which means he’s up to no good. Is he making fun of me? Right now? What the hell is he saying?

“Hey deeeeeeeoooo doooooooooooooowwwwww!”

Kevin was sitting diagonal to them both. He began snickering too. Five rows of seven, they sat towards the middle-back of the grid. The main reason was so they could all flirt with Jaime all year. Yes, she had a boyfriend. But, Henry was a football player and thought he had a chance. She turned out to be more of a distraction all year than anything else.

Back to this ‘dedow’ business. Or was it ‘deldo’? What we he saying? Why didn’t he get it? His mind was fully pulled away from algebra as he sifted through the words floating in his brain. He tried to map them to something familiar. He wanted to figure this out.

Nothing.

Eventually Mr. Klein finished up and told the class to open to Chapter 7, page 253. Please do problems 1-12 on notebook paper. Skip 13, 14. 15 is extra credit.

The class slowly started going into motion like a well oiled machine. Shuffles and tearing of paper could be heard clashing against Velcro rips. Buttons snapping on coats. Chairs shuffling. Finally, it settled down and the only thing that could be heard was the occasional conversation as students worked together on algebra problems.

“Dude, what were you saying?”

“Deeee-doooooooow!”

Again. He could hear it loud and clear, but it didn’t make sense. It was a new word. Something he hadn’t heard. He needed to figure this out.

“Dedow? What’s a dedow?”

Henry and Kevin eyed each other and smiled. They could have been assholes, especially since they were both defensive linebackers and had a less than noble disciplinary record. However, they were all friends and hung after school and on weekends. They had gotten into and out of a lot of trouble together in the past. They usually ran down the middle of the train track together instead of picking one side or the other. Or avoiding it altogether.

“Diiiillll-doooooo!” Kevin said with more clarity.

“Diilldo?”

“Dildo!”

“Dildo? What is a dildo?”

Confusion set in. He had never heard the word before, nor had he seen what one was for. Whatever a dildo was, it sounded pretty good.

“It just sounds funny! Diillll-dooooo!”

No one knew what it meant. He began saying it louder.

“Dildo! Diillldoooooowww…. deeeeeodooooow!”

He was now pronouncing ‘dildo’ exactly the same way he had heard five minutes earlier. Losing the hard ‘l’ and making instead an ‘eeee’ and ‘oooh’ sound. Sometimes throwing in the ‘l’ for fun. The ending ‘doh’ was also being stretched out. To be fair, it sounded pretty hilarious. It felt good to say out loud.

The three quietly began chanting it amongst themselves. And calling other students the word they had just discovered.

Jaime looked uncomfortable but continued her work alone. Other students looked equally annoyed. At this point, the three gentlemen weren’t particularly impressing this young lady, but that didn’t matter anymore. The word was fun to say for some reason. Ignorance really is bliss.

Eventually he managed to steer the conversation back to their math problems. The three all moved their desks into a tiny circle and went through each problem. About the third one in, Kevin became frustrated.

“What is this shit anyway? Who caaaaarrreeesssss?”

Henry told him to pipe down. Kevin retaliated aggressively.

“Shut-up dildo!”

They all began laughing. Then another round of dildo-ness began.

Louder this time. More annoying. Students were looking frustrated. While the three had no clue what the word meant, someone in the class was bound to know.

That person was Mr. Klein.

“Outside you two,” he said calmly as he briskly walked by.

Two? Which two? Where did he come from? Where is he going?

Good teachers always keep their students second guessing.

Mr. Klein walked by them without stopping and waited outside the classroom door. The rest of the class was laser focused on the three that had just been called out and who happened to appear very stunned. The three… no wait… two? Yeah, only two had just been called out. Why not all three? No names on the board, no check-boxes. A skip right to the big potato. This was serious.

The three all looked at each other nervously. He said ‘Two’! There was no mistake. Who would go?

Of course, he always took responsibility. He had less to lose and had decent grades. He could navigate this mess. The other two? Both football players. Good ones. Only one should take the heat for this. We want to keep winning games.

Kevin shook his head and went out first. Pussy. He would get eaten by the sharks.

He and Henry were better friends anyway, and decided to go at this together. They got up and strutted out of the classroom. Thirty pairs of eyes followed them cautiously. The two darted a look out onto the classroom (you know, to check things out) but not a single student was smiling.

Mr. Klein shut the door behind them. He began speaking. Calmly.

“Look, I know it’s a funny word.”

Stop.

“But you guys HAVE to stop saying it in there.”

STOP.

“Really. Knock it off.”

Ugh. There it was.

They were scared. Was he done? What did it mean? What was the punishment? What did they do wrong? Butterflies. Stay calm…stay calm…

“Look, get it out of your system. Out here. I know how it is.”

He gestured at the nearby water fountain and half smiled.

“Get a drink, get it out of your system! Don’t come back in until it’s all out, alright?”

He awaited their verbal confirmation then walked back into the classroom. He shut the door behind him.

They were shocked. Get it out of their system? What did that even mean? They couldn’t just walk back in. He’d be pissed! He told us to get it out. He told us twice so he meant it!

“Dilllldoooo!”

They began calling each other ‘dildos’ in more and more hilarious ways. Game on. They went to town.

At one point, Henry had his head engulfed by the water fountain. He was lapping up water sideways, making slurpy sounds, hysterically laughing, and saying the word ‘dildo’ repeatedly. It was the funniest thing happening in the entire school at that moment.

They laughed so hard it hurt their guts. Tears began streaming down their bright red faces. They wiped their eyes then started again. The hilarity had no end.

But all good things do in fact, come to an end. Eventually the word became… less funny.

They tried to bring it back. ‘Dildo… Dildo! Deeeoooo-doooow!” but the laughs became less and less frequent. Eventually, it was no longer funny to them. Mr. Klein had let them get it out of their system without damaging the psychology of the classroom. Game, set, match. Teacher of the year. Well played, sir.

Henry opened the door back into the classroom and they walked back to their seats. Mr. Klein was pre-occupied, helping another student. A few other students looked up and appeared agitated while some look relieved.

They sat back down. Kevin started in again.

“Sup Dildos!”

“Shut-up dude!” the two shot-back in unison.

—

Later that day, they learned the meaning of the word.